Caffeine Equals Chaos: Rewritten
by Ponella
Summary: A complete rewrite of my old fic with the same name; an M-rated and properly formatted version, written with Donna as the companion instead of Rose. Read the original if you want, but it's better to read this without it. Chapter three up!
1. Out of Luck

**A/N: **A rewrite of the original _Caffeine Equals Chaos_, because I wasn't at all happy with how the original was left and I've got a hankering to rewrite it. Rewritten with Donna instead of Rose, because in my dream whoniverse she never left the show. Oh, and she's so much easier to write… just saying.

Also, apparently the original (with Rose) was made 3 years ago. Funny how time flies, ain't it?

**Chapter One – Out of luck**

She heard a curious ruffling beyond her magazine, and so lowered it.

"What is it now – has the beer ghost popped up in your tea?"

"No," the Doctor said, feigning innocence, "Why would the beer ghost be in tea? Besides; you and I both know he lives in Denmark, not anywhere on my TARDIS."

"Then what are you doing? Perusing the cover of _Heat_?"

"…We're out of teabags." he said, pouting.

"You know where the nearest Tesco is." she said, bringing her magazine back up.

"Do you remember the last time you let me go shopping on my own? You said you'd never make that mistake again."

"Good memory, but can't you drink something other than tea? Or surely you must have something that's a good enough substitute – coffee, maybe?"

His eyes seemed to widen considerably at that, "Oh, not coffee. Last time I had coffee I–"

"Do we have coffee?"

"Yes, but–"

"Have that then. A cup won't kill you."

He frowned heavily, and flounced into the kitchen. (Yes, he _flounced_.)

"Remember to clear up when you done!" she yelled down the corridor to his retreating form.

"Remember to nehnehnah I know what I'm doing!"

"Don't come crying to me when you somehow create a coffee bean monster using the toaster and half the utilities! I'm not clearing up your messes."

X-x-x-x-x-x-x

She frowned. It was quiet; too quiet.

He'd been out of the room too long; usually he'd pop up every now and then to let her know he was still alive, even if he was messing with the TARDIS' insides.

"You awake?" She yelled down the corridor; the door to the console room was down it somewhere, most probably open if he was working. There was no reply.

She went to search in all his usual haunts; The library, the spare parts room, and anywhere else he might spend his time. The TARDIS was helpful enough to move the rooms around so she could get to them in less time. He was nowhere to be seen.

She decided to check the place she knew he'd gone to last; the kitchen.

"Doctor?" she whispered, opening the door and walking in with caution. She'd no idea why she did these things; she had no need to be cautious, even if he wasn't in the room. "You better not be waiting to jump out on me. I'm in no mood for it, I can tell you that much." the lights were off, but even so – he could still be in hiding, just waiting to spook the living daylights out of her.

"DONNA!"

She turned to him. His eyes were manic and his grin was heightened to a certain mad degree. She put her hands in front of her chest in fear, but she didn't know why. "Yes, who else is here? And please lower your voice, I think the whole of the Milky Way just heard you."

"Donna, you've got to try this!"

"What, the coffee? Are you aware of how long you've been in here?"

"Oh come on, I'm highly alert!"

"Highly hopped up on caffeine, maybe."

He frowned, although he still looked like a caffeinated idiot, "You said to drink coffee, so I drank it."

"I didn't expect you to drink the whole pot!"

"I didn't; I only drank one cup. Didn't you realize what would happen if I drank any? You know I'm already a jumpy person most of the time, caffeine doesn't help matters."

"Doctor. You can't expect me to believe you only hand one cup."

"Seriously, I have! You can check the pot if you like. Caffeine makes me especially hyper in this incarnation; that's why I only drink tea. Last incarnation, I could quite happily hold it and not go off on one."

"It's nice that you're being very open about all this, but you need to sleep this off."

"I can't; once this crap starts it wont shut off."

"Can't you just give yourself, I dunno, some Horlicks or something? You've got to have something to aid sleep on this TARDIS, seeing as you're a doctor."

"I'm _the _Doctor, and I wouldn't dare inject any human sleeping drugs into my bloodstream; that stuff could kill me, and I don't think I have anything that will agree with my system _and_ make me nod off."

Her eyes narrowed, "You seem fine now."

"The other things that caffeine does to me… I get mood swings. Very dangerous mood swings." he took a step closer; a rather menacing step, "it makes me… not a very nice person to be with. Really, you're in real danger. Your best bet is to get as far away from me as possible – and I don't care that we're on the TARDIS and I'm the only person who can pilot her, just _do it_. For your own safety, leave me to myself and let the effects wear off."

She took a step closer as well, "No chance, spaceman. Even on a bad day, you don't scare me."

Through the caffeinated haze hanging in his mind, she saw the real him appear on his face, but only for a moment, "I don't want to hurt you. And I will, if you stay with me any longer. The effects get worse before they get any better, and this is only the start. I consumed a whole cup, this could go on for hours. This time Donna I _want_ you to be scared of me; that fear will make you alert and hopefully I wont be able to do anything to you."

Her voice shook as she spoke, "What would you do to me?"

"I don't know yet, but it can't be anything good."

"I've already said, no chance I'm leaving. I'll help you through this."

"Donna, another person in the room will just heighten the effects and they'll take longer to go away."

"Well, we're going to have to live with that, aren't we? I don't want you being on your own in the state your in. You're worried for my safety? You can't be in any less danger than I am."

He inhaled for a second, and encountered her scent; masked with fear. Of course, it made the effects start. "Donna, I…" with a sudden force, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her body flush against his own, "…You really should've ran."

His husky voice sent shivers down her spine, "You don't scare me, you old softie."

"Old softie, huh?"

"Well, you are kind of in your 900s and a bit on the so–" she was heavily taken aback when he proceeded to bite her neck – hard, nearly drawing blood. Marking her, she knew.

"Am I an old softie now?" she could now feel the persistent bulge of his clothed erection against her stomach.

"I could say you're not soft in places now, mate, but you _do _know your boundaries." she replied, putting her hands on his chest in an attempt to push him away, but he just moved so he had her pinned against the countertop, with his arms on either side of her stopping her escape.

"Oh no Donna, because you know what else the caffeine does to my body? It increases," he ground his erection against her body, "my libido," he ground against her again, "tenfold. You sure you wanna stay with me now?"

She realized he was subconsciously giving her one more chance, a last chance to escape before he was lost completely, "I think I'll take my chances."

His lips crashed against hers, his tongue demanding entrance, and she knew he was lost. She decided to humour him, thinking it wasn't going to go anywhere and he'd come to his senses in a moment or two. She ground back against him, and he gasped, his eyes turning several shades darker.

"Donna…" he murmured, his hips bucking at the feel of her, "…do you know how crazy you're making me right now?"

"Thought you were already crazy."

"You know what I mean…" he moaned, pulling her to him, "…time to stop talking," he put a hand to the back of her head and caused their lips to meet, relishing in the silky feel of her ginger locks. He felt the need to feel her flesh on his, the need to be inside of her, "need you… _now_." He began to divulge her of her clothes, starting first at her dress.

He wasn't really going through with this, was he? She was really beginning to regret wearing a dress that day, never mind the fact he'd told her she should show her legs more. "Doctor," she tried to say, but it all came out as mush when he removed her dress and cupped her breasts through her bra. He fondled them experimentally, treating them with the same scientific curiosity he treated everything else that was new to him. Experimentally, he flicked a nipple, and she moaned as it hardened to his touch. She briefly wondered why she herself was getting turned on, but all thoughts left her mind as he moved to her other nipple and pinched it roughly through the fabric. He gave a non-committal shrug, still studying her reactions. When he felt he'd learnt enough from that area, he removed her bra with a flourish and set about devouring her left nipple whilst tweaking the other. Her breathing became ragged, and she put it down to natural reactions or some such nonsense. He was her friend and her his. She couldn't really want to sleep with him, could she…?

All questions left her mind as he grabbed the top of her knickers. She sighed, finally remembering that she'd opted out of wearing tights with her dress that morning.

He pulled her underwear down and off, and was assaulted with the thickening of her scent, "Oh, the plot thickens…" he let out a breath experimentally on her womanhood (being face level with it after removing her underwear), and felt a shudder of arousal pass throughout her whole body. He grinned and started licking her experimentally, relishing in the fact that she was already soaking wet for him. He smirked as her legs nearly buckled, but decided it was time to move, and she moaned at the loss.

He pulled her into his arms and lifted her up, carrying her bridal-style to her room, and laid her on the bed. He stepped back and studied her body in full, realizing he was making her feel uncomfortable. "You have no need to be embarrassed in front of me; I _love _your body," He began tracing a path down her body with his finger, "you delicious neck…" his path met her sternum, "…your luscious breasts…" he skirted round her womanhood, which she was thankful for, "and your… gorgeous legs." he then proceeded to _lick_ his way back up her body, grinning manically when he was done. Her flushed face and flustered expression made him want her all the more. "Stop that."

"Stop what…?"

He put his mouth to her ear and breathed hotly over it, speaking huskily, "Stop being so sexy. You're only making me want to make love to you more, and I already want you too much for me to handle."

She smirked, and he could have sworn he nearly came in his trousers, "Then stop talking and take what's yours, spaceman."

He growled, and it seemed he couldn't shed his clothes fast enough. She gasped when she saw his throbbing erection leaking precum on the floor. She looked at his chest next – he might have been skinny but he certainly had no problems in the torso area. She could see him showing off as his muscles flexed under his skin. She looked to his arms, and they looked strong enough – strong enough, she'd realized, to pin her down in the kitchen _and _carry her to her room. She studied his legs – all that running did good for them, it seemed. "Your legs aren't half good – mine've probably got varicose veins."

He leaned over her, scrutinizing her, "Donna, you've got to stop putting yourself down. You're beautiful, and I'm going to show you that _you are loved_."

"Huh, for a second there I almost believed you."

"Believe it, Donna." He was stern in his words, and with one kiss she believed him.

**A/N: **…the next chapter involves Jack Harkness, which is fun! And it gives you an idea of what to expect…


	2. Hypervodkas and Captain Jack

**A/N:** It's time I carried on with this… the first chapter was originally going to be called 'Out of teabags, Out of mind' but I decided against that title because it's too long. I guess this is a little 'morning after' bit… the title is supposed to be hinting at most of the chapter, I think, but the first bit is the morning after. Donna will be on the warpath! At some point… I haven't got very far with this in my head.

**Chapter Two – Hyper-vodkas and Captain Jack**

The first thing Donna noticed was that she had awoken in her room, she was naked, and someone else was in her bed with her. She didn't feel hungover, but tested her breath anyway – just normal morning breath. It was obvious she hadn't gone to the pub any time recently, so she reasoned that perhaps this mysterious lover was an acquaintance of the Doctors' that she'd met last night. She wouldn't put it past him to try to find her a date, the loveable manic oaf that he was only wanted her to feel loved and secure.

She finally decided to find out the identity of her mystery man, grabbed the covers off of him and all the events of yesterday poured into her head.

She had to admit he was a considerate lover – he should be, what with his encyclopedic knowledge of anatomy, she reasoned. She looked at his tousled brown hair, far messier than usual, indicating that they'd got allot done in the night. She looked at his chest next. A bit of muscle, and smatterings of chestnut hair that she found herself staring at allot, she'd have to get him to go topless the next time they went to a beach – _What am I thinking! He's my friend!_ a part of her mind thought, while another part thought, _but I willingly slept with him_.

She periodically avoided looking at his crotch area, not really wanting to see it at the time. Her eyes travelled down to his legs, and she realized she'd never seen them before – well that was wrong, she _had_ seen them, just not unclothed. They were lean, she noticed, and strong enough for all the running they had to do. She didn't know why, but at that moment she reached out her hand to them and poked them once, immediately withdrawing the appendage once she realized what she was doing. He stirred and woke, and immediately felt her hand connect with his face as she smacked him.

"You pervert! You never wanted me to travel with you for the company; you just wanted to get in my knickers!"

"No, I never! I did try to warn you, it seems the caffeine is only just starting to wear off. Besides, you weren't complaining – in fact, I'd go so far as to say you _encouraged_ me."

"I didn't know what I was doing…" she replied, her voice unsteady.

"Don't pull that one on me! You knew exactly what you were doing, you just thought I'd come to my senses before we made it to your bedroom, but you weren't expecting me to sleep with you, to actually _love_ you. No, stupid old Doctor getting his wires crossed again, thinking he'd actually fallen in love–"

"What!" she now stared at him incredulously.

"You heard me. You must be thinking me mad right now, but it's the truth – I love you, and last night I tried to prove it to you and you're fobbing me off!"

"…When did you come to this realization?" _God, I sound like a psychiatrist…_

"The day I met you, after everything that had happened; you looked so upset and I… I felt something I'd never felt before, and when we found each other again, I finally knew what it was. I'd fallen for you, and I'm sorry if you still can't believe it but I know it's what happened. It's not the caffeine talking and I'm not insane, _I love you_."

He was a bit surprised when she fell into his arms and sobs wracked her body. "You can't possibly mean that!"

"I mean it enough to do this," he let go of her momentarily to fetch something from his suit pocket, and then hopped off the bed and knelt down on one knee in front of her, "Donna Noble, I… will you marry me?"

"…Can I think it over?" he rolled his eyes at her, "Just kidding, yes!"

* * *

><p>Jack Harkness walked out of his office one day, and was met with a familiar sight.<p>

He ran into the TARDIS, knowing his arrival must mean they had urgent matters to discuss.

"Hey Doc, I – oh!" he was now met with a unfamiliar sight – a redhead woman whom he had never met.

"Hey honey, you know where the Doc is?" he said, thinking that she could lead him to the Doctor if he flirted enough with her.

"The Doctor, _my fiancée_, will be with us shortly."

"I'm sorry, are my ears working? That guy'd never get tied down in a million years." Jack said, staring at her in disbelief.

The woman held out her ring hand for him to see, and he saw a delicate engagement ring wrapped around her finger, "Yes, well, he has. My name's Donna Noble, what's yours?" she shifted her outright hand so that it were primed for a handshake.

"Captain Jack Harkness." he replied, shaking the hand tentatively.

"Ooh, a captain! Sorry, he hasn't told me much about you. Only that you've known each other a long time and he sees you as a friend."

"Hello, Jack." the Doctor had walked into the room whilst they were talking.

"Well, I'll leave you two to catch up." Jack noticed the Doctor had mouthed '_I'll need your help later_' to her on her way into the corridors.

"So… what's this all about? Because you'd never just propose to anybody."

"This is about _love_, Jack, it's as simple as that. I know nothing I do is ever simple, but this is. I'm marrying that beautiful woman, and I want you to be my best man."

"You– wait, you _what_?"

"I can't think of anyone else I'd prefer to be standing beside me on my wedding day – besides Donna, of course."

"You're getting married…?"

"Yup," the Doctor said, popping the 'p', "So are you going to be my best man or not?"

"You're gonna have to buy me a drink first."

"Your chat-up lines are very repetitive."

"Hey, they work. And we can celebrate and you can tell me more about your fiancée."

"…I'm going to have to ask her first."

"Why?"

"She'll be very miffed if we don't bring her along."

* * *

><p>It turned out that Jack and Donna got along quite well, and the Doctor was glad Jack hadn't overstepped any boundaries – yet.<p>

"A leather jacket!" Donna exclaimed, laughing.

"Yeah! And that wasn't the worst of it…" Jack replied, taking a large sip from his dozenth drink of the night.

"I think I'll have to get you in that jacket on our wedding night!" Donna said, cuddling up to the Doctor.

"Didn't realize you have a leather fetish." he said; it was something he could live with.

"Oh, no – I just like to make my favourite man play dress up!" she started nibbling his neck, and he moaned, but not before murmuring "_Company!_". He could smell their pheromones intermingling and it was nearly too much to bear.

Jack watched this display in bemusement, but jealousy bubbled up inside him. _I love the Doctor for years, and then some woman comes along and becomes his best friend, his lover and his fiancée? There's something wrong with the universe…_

Donna's thought processes were something like this: _That sick feeling I got this morning was really scary. I wonder if I should tell the Doctor… it'll probably pass._

_Donna if you're ill, you should tell me._

_Doctor? What are you doing in my head…?_

_I'm not in your head, I'm in my own. Now that we're mates, we have a bond that enables us to hear each other's thoughts and talk to each other telepathically, among other things._

_So…_

_I can sense how drunk you are, yes, but I'm sure I wouldn't need telepathy to figure that out._

_Can you sense how much I want you right now?_

The Doctor spluttered outside his head as he did inside it, Jack laughing, "Telepathy, huh?"

Donna walked off to find a loo, explaining that her drinks went right through her, and the Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver to scan said drink once they were out of earshot. "I'm scanning for any aphrodisiacs – it could be an explanation to–"

"Doctor, can't you just enjoy a good thing? It's obvious she loves you and wants to show you."

"I love her too and… she said she felt ill this morning, when we were talking telepathically." the sonic screwdriver dinged.

"What does that mean?"

"It means my assumptions have been confirmed; this drink contains a high concentration of an aphrodisiac that is quite potent for humans. No doubt it got into all of Donna's drinks – which means there's someone behind the bar we should be wary of."

"What would they gain by drugging a woman for no reason?" at that moment, they both looked to the door that sported the common sign for a ladies lavatory.

"She's been in there a long time, hasn't she?" the Doctor said, his face contorting with anger. "I can sense her, she's in pain; whoever drugged her is hurting her in there now." quick as a flash, he removed himself from his seat and ran into the ladies, one six-fingered translucent woman shouting, "You're not supposed to go in there!" as he ran past.

* * *

><p>What she'd said about needing a wee was true, but she also needed to clear her head – the smell of the Doctor was too prominent and lingering in her nostrils, and she had to leave him or she would've jumped him on the spot.<p>

"Are you okay, miss?" she turned and saw it was that nice blue bartender who served her all her drinks.

"Oi, who're you calling _miss_? I'm going to be a _Mrs_ soon enough…" she chuckled dryly as a thought popped into her head, "You wouldn't happened to have heard of the Blue Man Group, would you?"

"Who?"

"Thought not." her head was getting foggier and she still felt horny; _where's the Doctor when you need him?_ "Say, can you get my fiancée? I'm feeling a bit run down…" suddenly the blue bartender was kissing her, and she didn't have the energy to fight him off. She cried out for the Doctor, for his stupid friend, _anybody_, but all her words were muffled by cerulean lips. She had the sense to scream as she felt horrid hands groping her through her dress – _If only the Doctor were this interested… what am I thinking!_

Then she heard a voice, like a yell, an indignant cry of something heroic, and it wasn't the blue bartender – but then the blue bartender removed himself from her completely and put his hands to his ears. And she saw the Doctor, like her knight in shining armour [and trainers], sticking his sonic screwdriver in the bartender's ear as the hideous thing writhed on the floor. As his subjugated opponent crawled out of the room, defeated, the Doctor turned to her and she burst into tears. But she felt something else besides self-pity; the Doctor saving her had been such a turn-on, and she wanted nothing more than to resume their activities from the night before.

"Donna, I know what you're thinking, and I have to say it's an aphrodisiac making you think that way."

Donna pouted, "Do you think so lowly of yourself? Or me? Being sexy is in your nature, and saving me _really_ brings that out. Do you know you haven't touched me since last night? I was even considering letting that blue bloke have a go when you walked in!" she huffed, "Well, Doctor, you really know how to treat a woman – have sex with her and then never go near her again, that's my idea of a good relationship!"

"Donna, that's ridiculous! I've wanted to have sex with you all day!" he sighed, "I've had other things on my mind – meeting with Jack, preparing the wedding, and not to mention the fact that I'M GETTING MARRIED! You see, you humans can just get married willy-nilly to any person who takes your fancy, but this is a big deal for me! You're the first person I've genuinely been in love with and I was trying to be a gentleman by–" his words were cut short by his fiancée's lips on his and her arms around his neck.

Soon enough they both needed to withdraw for air, "Let's go back to the TARDIS; Jack should be busy with a few hyper-vodkas and a new drinking buddy by now."

They ran to the TARDIS, both noticing that Jack had indeed got himself someone to drink with; the six-fingered translucent woman who'd yelled at the Doctor when he ran into the ladies was drinking Jack under the table, and the Doctor allowed himself a small chuckle.

They ran to their bedroom, shedding each other's clothes as they went, and as they walked in front of the door, the Doctor made a gesture that left her puzzled. She was shocked when he began picking her up in both arms and she said, "You're not supposed to do this until the wedding night!

"Sod the wedding night!" he replied, kissing her as he opened the door, walked in and laid her on the bed.

He stood back to memorize her, naked as the day she was born, and was pleased when she didn't look away. He closed the door, his mind set to only one task as he flopped onto the bed next to her.

He looked to her for a yes, and she nodded. He pushed himself into her slick heat – he was ecstatic that she'd had a whole day to become prepared, and thrust in and out with vigour. His eyes shut and his mouth gaping in a wordless grunt, he was sure he'd never been more in love with anyone in his whole life. He felt her shaking beneath him, her beautiful body straining for some sort of release, and he did something he was aware had many complications – he opened his mind to her. All his worries and fears and everything he loved, she knew it all, and he opened his eyes to see her crying and kissed away the tears. She did the same and opened her mind to him – something unexpected, and he cried out her name as his orgasm overcame him. He felt her explode beneath him, and her presence in his mind was ramped up altogether as their bond strengthened in their minds.

He gasped as their bond receded into normality, and he moaned at the loss.

As they both got their breath back, Donna yelled, "You could've warned me!"

"Surely that would've ruined the surprise?" the Doctor said, worn out but for a cheeky grin.

Hitting him on the arm, she asked, "D'you think we should go pick up Jack?"

"I imagine he'll have already passed out." the Doctor snickered, remembering the sight of Jack with his head to the table and a half-drank drink in his hand.

**A/N: **…I already have chapter 3 swimming about in my head – or thereabouts, just the start at the moment but it's getting there.

I had other things I was going to say but… I've been constantly editing this all day and it's too late in the night to say anything else. The first [and only] person who reviewed asked for the next chapter, and I actually had this chapter more-or-less ready when I put chapter one up.

I'm watching a detective drama right now (I'm addicted, I'll admit…) and me and my mum have already sussed out that the murderer is re-enacting Cluedo or something similar, and I figured it out first but was unsure until we heard affirmation that it was in fact a 'Dr Black' that was the first victim. And yes, I'm very much nuts, but I have many fandoms and facets that my online friends don't know about… and now I'm rambling, night all!


	3. Mother and Daughter

**A/N:** I'm having fun with this fic so I'm writing chapter three. Hangover time! I myself have never been drunk (and don't scoff like that, I'm only 15 and I'm complete hermit when outside the internet) but I want to write it this way, it's just how this chapter starts in my head… Very sorry for the lateness of this! I'm sure I'll get started on chapter four straight after to make up for it. And just to clarify, I wrote that small joke about Amy Winehouse before she died, and I actually thought some of her earlier songs were good, so… I wasn't hatin' on Amy Winehouse, now even moreso because she's deceased, but the joke was made before she died and it was meant to fade into the background but then she died so… it kinda doesn't anymore.

**Chapter Three – Mother and Daughter**

"Oh, I'm never drinking again…" she wrapped her pillow around her ears when she felt the full blast of the TARDIS' usual background noise on her over-sensitive eardrums, and she wailed, "Somebody turn off the spaceship! Oh my…"

"Donna, can you not? I'm hungover too and you may not need your beauty sleep but–" he was rewarded with a pillow in the face and a peck on the cheek. "No big kiss? I'm disappointed."

"Do you want to face my alcohol breath? Because I'm sure I don't wanna be anywhere near you until you've used mouthwash."

"You could have rotting teeth like an old queen and hair like Amy Winehouse, I'd still rather give you a thousand kisses than be without you for more than a minute."

"Aww, you're sweet – but I'm not getting hair like that junkie, if that's what you're getting at."

"Why does everything have to have a motive? Can't I just woo my sweet ginger and not be called out on it?"

"Maybe if you called me by name instead of just 'sweet ginger'. I'm going to brush my teeth, got a bloody taste of alien Bacardi Breezer stuck in my gums… or it tasted like Bacardi, I'm not sure. It tastes like it now."

"…You go on, I'm just going to lay here and wait for my head to put itself back into working order." he said, his head flopping back onto the bed.

A minute later, Donna's popped her head into the room and exclaimed, "Jack; we left him at the bar!"

"He'll find his way back – he always does." as if on cue, Jack burst into the room.

"Hey you two!" he swayed slightly on his feet, leaning against the door, "Did'jya do it, or is there still time for me to join in?" he gave a laugh and a hiccup, and passed out unceremoniously on the floor.

"That was anticlimactic." The Doctor said, the bedsheets raised up to his chin, "And he always says he has good alcohol tolerance."

"You said he'd find his way back, _you_ can get him sober." Donna said, walking back into the bathroom with a mouthful of toothpaste.

"I always have to be the one to get him sober…" the Doctor muttered, throwing off the bedsheets and walking towards Jack's unconscious form.

"Won't he be surprised when he wakes up and you're naked in front of him?" Donna yelled from the bathroom, and the sound of running water could be heard

"No; he'll think he's fantasizing again." a cat-like smirk graced his lips, and he knew she sensed his meaning through their bond.

"Oh, you are cruel!" came Donna's laughing reply, mixed in with a spit and rinse, "No, just stick him in the bath, I'm sure he's seen much more than my tits in his time."

"_You don't know the half of it_", came the Doctor's breathless comeback as he lugged a certain dead weight of a Captain about the room.

"_I don't think I want to know, thanks._"

The Doctor laughed out loud, and Jack stirred in his arms, "Try not to move or you'll break my back."

"Doctor…?" Jack looked up at his lone saviour and then looked down at himself, drenched in a fine layer of alcohol and vomit.

"You slept that off very fast; obviously your tolerance lies elsewhere than where you say it does."

"No riddles today, Doc, just coffee…"

"You're having water, and no doubt your immortality will make up for your shoddy wakefulness, but nothing a paracetamol can't cure. If you're still awake within an hour you can try to eat something, but you'll just throw it back up so I wouldn't recommend it."

Donna came back into the room and if they were in a comic book, Jack's eyes would have popped straight out of his head, and he looked up at the Doctor saying, "I can see why you're marrying her."

Donna blushed, "Oi, keep your mind out of the gutter, or is it like that by default?"

"Yes, I'm not just marrying her for her beautiful body, I'll have you know; this one's got a brain."

"Oh, what a nice way to stand up for the woman you love." she turned to Jack, "I've also got a working hand if he steps out of line."

"Good to hear it." Jack said.

"Well, you seem coherent enough to speak, do you think you might be able to stand by yourself?" the Doctor snapped.

"Oh, but you're so comfy! And I'm sure Donna's backing me up on this." Jack whined, standing up nonetheless.

"Something must be wrong with you, because he's far too skinny to be comfy." Donna said.

"Did you have fun last night? Because you certainly smell like it." the Doctor said, "I'd rather wash my hands of you but you stick to me like nothing else."

"You guys look like you had fun last night too. And hey, did'jya figure out what happened in the toilets?"

The Doctor and Donna shared a look, the Doctor finally piped up, "That man was part of a cluster of criminals known as 'degenerates'. I've informed the Shadow Proclamation of this incident and they've acted accordingly."

Donna waved it off, "Apparently it was attemptive rape, not that I'd know; drugged up to my eyeballs."

"If I had a penny for every time that happened to me I'd be rich – and for every time _I_ did it as well, although those have been few and far between." Jack flashed her a grin and waggled his eyebrows for effect, "So sexy, howzabout a threesome? I know you've been thinking about it. You, me and the Doc, we could make it a three-person orgy or…"

"Jack, _don't_."

"Can't I suggest a thing anymore? I didn't think she'd agree."

"And I'm not agreeing; I'm only after one person and he's the only naked man in this room. Now go and get ready for the day – I'm sure we've got more people to meet besides you." Donna said, walking back into the bathroom with clothes in hand.

Jack looked knowingly at the Doctor, "Martha first, yeah?"

"No, actually – I still have to speak to Donna's family about this, I'm afraid. But I'm sure you can tide her over for a time while I talk to her mother? And I may be spending some time with Donna's grandfather, he's got a telescope and I rather fancy checking it out. I do enjoy the more close-up approach but sometimes it's just nice to have a view of the universe without having to save it."

"Okay, but you have to tell me what really happened last night, and I'm not saying the guy's method or what you and your missus did afterwards, no matter how interesting those things may be."

"I don't think there was a reason behind it, not in the… grand scheme of things, but I'm sure they, whoever they may be, weren't after Donna – I love her but she's only human, and there are far richer pickings with the man she's marrying, but I'd do anything to protect the woman I love. I just lied to Donna to stop her worrying."

"You don't have to handle this yourself, I'll help ya whenever you need it."

"I'm thinking I'm going to be needing it soon; Donna's pregnant. She presents all the symptoms, and I scanned her with the sonic when she wasn't looking, it all checks out."

"For a moment there you sounded like a real medical doctor." Jack chuckled at the thought.

"And not just who I say I am." the Doctor nodded.

* * *

><p>"I hope you've landed well away – knowing you you'll cause a scene without even being there."<p>

"Donna, I _am_ aware of the protocol when meeting someone's mother."

Donna put a hand to her stomach and mouthed an 'Oh!'.

"What is it, what's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing… probably just stomach cramps."

"Are you sure it's not your illness? Look, Donna, I can talk with your mum later, right now I'm getting you to the infirmary. My sonic screwdriver alone couldn't identify what's wrong with you and the TARDIS refuses to scan you herself. Jack will bring Silvia onto the TARDIS while I check you over." And he pushed her back into the ship.

"Oi, you can't just–!" she gasped, putting her other hand to her mouth, "I feel sick… yeah, just get me inside before I puke on the pavement."

"Weren't you going?" Jack asked, looking up from the underside of the TARDIS console.

"You can perform maintenance later, Jack; I need you to find Donna's family and bring them back here, we'll be in the infirmary."

"They're six doors down if you take a left at the second…" Donna murmured, collapsing into the Doctor's arms.

"She's becoming faint – be quick!" the Doctor gathered her unconscious form in his arms and ran into the labyrinthine corridors.

* * *

><p>"Donna, love… I need you to stay awake this time, alright? I don't know what this is yet, but I know you can't go to sleep. Please, yell at me like you always do!"<p>

"Alright, just shut up!"

The Doctor blinked back tears of relief, "Okay, just… can you stand up for me? I need you to, so the machine can scan you." He supported her frame and pushed a few buttons, "Okay, no apparent anomalies… you could stand to lower your cholesterol. Oh, here it is. You're–" He nearly dropped her as the force of the realization hit him, "You only get sick in the mornings and you said the alcohol tasted weird… you're pregnant, Donna!" he shook his head, "You're anaemic, I need to get some blood into you…"

"You're not switching any of my blood with your alien plasma, sunshine!"

"Donna, I'm not, and I wouldn't even know how; you're anaemic, which mean you're losing allot of blood because of the pregnancy and you need to get more iron into your diet."

"Oh, good. I was worried you were gonna, you know… do something _alien_."

"Donna, I only have your best interests at heart, and it's my baby you're carrying in there too." he beamed at her, but suddenly looked over her shoulder, horrified.

"You got my daughter pregnant!"

**A/N: **…I hope you can all tell that it's Silvia who gets last words, and I can promise you that the next chapter will be _very_ interesting. With Wilf popping up eventually… hey, he's gotta come into it sometime and he's one of my favourite S4 characters. I'm currently watching Harry Potter so I'm in a writing mood! It's my favourite too, Goblet of Fire… It's the one with David Tennant in as Barty Crouch Jr., absolutely brilliant, but Order of the Phoenix comes in close second with HP7P2… yeah, I should probably get on with chapter four now.


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